What happens when you stir fry lentil-based gluten-free pasta with bell peppers, tofu and mushrooms with a side of Sweet Thai sauce, in a bid to stack up on protein? It’s a no brainer. You end up experiencing a gastronomic apocalypse. Packed with the promise of health, but devoid of taste that guarantees satiety.

This was the actual result of my original and curated with pride recipe at lunch this afternoon. I obviously failed miserably. And I am over the moon, I ventured nowhere near the culinary profession for a living. The only place I would have served well would be as a chef for criminals with capital punishments. My recipes would ensure a more miserable end. As a reasonable conclusion after the disaster, I am forced to believe lentils are best eaten as daal with their soulmate white rice. Pasta is much better off made with durum wheat and cooked with tomatoes, basil leaves and cream while tofu and mushrooms were always meant to be married to noodles and stir fried in soy sauce with oriental herbs. And so is the case with finding the right spouse. Sticking to the basics.

Growing up, I was clear I wanted to get a good education, start a career and get married. But finding the perfect spouse, or hitting the jackpot in terms of a perfectly romantic affair, good looks or tying the knot with a millionaire was never part of the plan. I am sure plenty from my generation were looking for true love. Just as the movies educated us. The world was still a dystopian patriarchal society, with us as change makers, set out to break gender stereotypes with a growing population of working women. As a result, marriages happened quickly and lasted longer. Because we had just started out on journey of equality and gender evolution. People sought out partners, not test tube spouses, made to order with requirements fed to ChatGPT. There was no social media, leave alone AI.

But recent trends depict something of my lunch recipe this afternoon – trying to find love under the garb of manifesting that perfect partner using apps or excel sheets. Trying to find the perfect one who desires the exact same things in life – money, home, car, work, vacations, privacy, personal finances, the list seems too long. Nothing wrong with wanting the same things. Or even having larger than life goals. I love the immense clarity of youth on the topic of marriage. But here is the deal maker – if you found the right person but figured they had absolutely different aspirations materially, would you still go and marry them for the spark you experienced? Or would you rather go ahead with someone who checked all boxes and created that Pinteresty life that gives you stardom on social media?

Okay time for some gyaan I may have accidentally chanced upon. How about considering the core of the person before anything else? A good life needs everything in good measure – health, wealth, relationships and career. And unless you are ready to go deeper and find out the truth beneath the veil of success and achievements, you wouldn’t understand the what makes their core. What is their value system like? Do they think about life beyond Insta and bank balance? Do they read or merely spend their free-time doom-scrolling? Are they well versed with failure? Are they aware of a relationship with their own selves? What kind of friend circle do they belong to? What are their thoughts about the the world, gender parity, happiness, grief, the queer community, children and shared responsibilities?

And no, a KBC style Q&A will not suffice. It is only when two individuals spend quality time together, not merely meeting up at cafes and being at their best behaviour, that there is a chance, sparks may fly giving them both a real lesson in chemistry. It is only after the first few fights that you realise whether you are giving yourself away to someone kind, or a Mr. or Miss ‘I am always right’. It is only after a few silly mistakes that you realise whether you have found yourself a spouse or just another parent in disguise. Someone who is ready to tell wrong from right and show you the way when you were actually looking for a partner in crime. But getting to know a person takes an investment. And that is mostly time. It also means making the choice to love the person you have chosen for life, daily. That takes enormous courage and discipline. Whoever said, chasing anything worth the while was easy?

Falling in love may just be the outcome of raging hormones, a function of youth or searching for a second chance at life. It could be that connection with the special someone you met because the universe conspired. Falling in love is easy. But staying in love takes work. Hands down. Planning the perfect wedding that makes you an online celebrity is credit worthy. And even that takes a fair share of laughter and tears after burning a hole in your pocket. But being a star in somebody’s life year after year requires herculean effort. It takes sacrifice too. Plenty of it. From both sides. It takes putting ‘us’ before ‘I’ to make any relationship work.

So is marriage the thing for you? Only you can tell. There are plenty of perks and happy memories to be made. But there is no free lunch. And is there a perfect spouse? Perfection is delusion with high standards. You may find someone that doesn’t check a single box from your key requirements. Yet, when you are with them, you are on cloud 9. Or you may end up with someone who checks all boxes, but never once makes you feel loved. And there are a thousand and one possibilities in between these two probabilities.

Thing is, if you are looking to spend your life with someone, don’t think too much. Just go for it. Take the plunge. Life is short. Take chances on people. Listen to the little voice in your head that is beyond reason. Try giving, more than calculating what you get. When the going gets tough, do what you would for a friend in need. And when life is all rainbows and sunshine, count your blessings you have someone to share your happiness with. Ultimately, it is worth the risk if you have someone documenting the same memories, creating the same humans that are the most unique mix of the two of you put together, and help you live a surprisingly more beautiful but different life than you ever imagined.

P.S. Finding a spouse, the right one, is like getting into Harvard. Your chances are slim. And you never know when a policy change can leave you deported. But there is something that can assure you a good life, no matter what kind of spouse you end up with – taking responsibility. Of choosing your own happiness. Of not blaming the lack of it on others. Of always finding a way.  Of not giving up because times turned against you. And of being there. For the one that matters the most. And the most important starts with you. Because with great responsibility comes great power.