The most natural side effect of having a spouse is well, giving birth to little humans who are mini versions of you. I remember having a tough first pregnancy. Everything new was happening for the first time. And no school or profession had prepared either of us for this role. Of a parent!

Until then, my only experience with parenting had been in the shoes of a child. But things were about to change forever. First with pregnancy and then with raising an actual human that we knew nothing about. As a new mother, I remember being scared. I remember being worried. I remember looking at every poo and pee of my child through the lens of a lab expert. I spent hours discussing colour and smell of all things weird in life with anyone who came across as an expert.

Because my amygdala had been hijacked. It was for the first time in life that I found more strength than I expected myself to have. Staying up every night became a routine. Little did I know a Hedwig fan had shown up and would like to stay awake every single night for the first few months! But with staying awake comes diaper duty. And feeding duty. All while healing from c-section stitches. Luckily, I spent the first three months at my mom’s. I had plenty of help, except in the night.

As my daughter began to grow and a second one came by, life changed even more drastically. Now, I found myself trspped in the shoes of the very parents I had always witnessed from the receiving end. That’s when I began to understand my parents in a new light. For the first few years of my childrens’ growth, it felt as though I was always on high alert. Like soldiers guarding a nation. Sniffing enemy like virals, warding them off with vaccines and keeping the coast clear with good hygiene.

The next few years were some of the most adorable. A time when I would dress them up like dolls, work on habit building, start them on school. And the best realization – parents are not meant to teach children. It is a child that gives birth to a mother. The day I realised this marked quite a turning point in the course of my parenting journey. That day went down in history as game changer. And that’s when I switched sides from becoming a typical Asian parent to a more liberal one, with a mind and heart of her own. I chose to spare my offspring the generosity of the cane. I chose to let them make choices and give them a chance to fall and fail. I chose to stop hovering around their heads all the time. And I chose to be open to their perspectives and opinions. To cut to the chase, I chose to let them be. And no, it did not mean letting them grow like weeds.

As they grew even bigger, we had to make some tough choices on late nights, concert tickets, shopping and career choices. The list goes on. All I can say is that every choice seemed like the most difficult one we had ever made. And every choice was made up of two primary considerations – our children’s safety and happiness. And there have been times when NO was the only acceptable answer. A perfectly reasonable one. It was also an answer that would temporarily coop us together with the not-so-popular parents. Ones that believed in dictatorship as opposed to the democracy we choose. But parenting isn’t a popularity contest. And the relationship with one’s children cannot be confined to good times and bad decisions. In fact, it is the weakest and toughest moments that bring out our biggest parenting challenges and lessons.

Thinking back, I remember so many times when I may have disagreed with my parents. When I may have been angry at them for not understanding my point of view. Or sticking to their 8pm curfew. So what if I wanted to go to a concert. Or spend the new year’s eve dancing with friends. Or simply, indulge in a night out at a friend’s place. All with good reason and intent. But nature designs the teen phase as one with an adrenaline rush, anger outbursts and the will to take action over trivial desires that snowball into ego issues at the behest of youth. Living on the edge is the natural progression into adulthood. And that is where parents and children usually experience friction. Parents experience too many buttons getting pushed while our soon to be adults are simply trying to gain control. Isn’t nature pushing them hard to try to take autonomy of their own lives so that they can turn into adults capable to making their own decisions that are capable of living independently?

Now, standing in the shoes of my parents some thirty years ago, I understand fully well understand what a tight rope walk it is. And the onus of raising kind, logical and reasonable adults in a crazy world lies on the shoulders of parents alone. Today, we hold the baton of responsibility that we will pass to our kids in years to come. And just like every other parent, we are doing our best to run that three legged race on a rope, Olympic torch in hand, doing our best to stuff our children with values that we have been living by. Virtues that make one content. And confidence that helps them put one foot ahead of the other to tread the murky waters of life.

P.S. We love our children. We can hardly stay upset with them for too long. But we never think about our parents from the same lens. We are ready to pick up a fight with them. We can afford to get them upset. Simply because they are always more invested in us. Life comes a full circle when you realise this bitter sweet truth. I would say, it is one of those times when to stop blaming your parents and start appreciating them for being there for you, no matter what!